Guns are great!

An American correspondent, who wants to be known simply as Barbara, takes issue with The Reaper's frequent expression of distaste for America's gun culture. Here's what she has to say.

In the United States of America today the problem with guns is not that there are too many but there’s just not enough to go round! I say this as a proud patriot and gun-owner. A 9mm Smith & Wesson Shield semi-automatic pistol, a Smith & Wesson M&P15 semi-automatic rifle, and a Smith & Wesson 12 gauge shotgun, if you’re asking. I guess I just love Smith & Wesson! They sure hit the spot for me! Ok, there may be about 300 million guns in America – but that’s hardly more than one each! We all need at least a couple – one for the home, one for the car, plus one spare, just to carry around when you’re in the mall.

Anyway, all those carping SOBs who are hollering right now about how America should give up its guns plainly ain’t bothering to get acquainted with the most important document of our country – the Constitution of the United States. God bless America is what I say and so do all my bridge friends. The Second Amendment clearly says that it’s “the right of the people to keep and bear arms” and it was adopted on 15 December 1791! You don’t mess around with something as old as that – and if you try, you’ll have me and my Smith & Wesson knocking on your door and helping you to get your head straightened out. Pronto!

I know it’s sad that about 30,000 of my fellow Americans get shot and die each year, yes I really am grieved by this. But heck, let’s look at the facts. For one thing, that’s just 0.0093% of the total population – when you put it that way, it don’t seem so bad, does it? Why, 10,000 more than that get killed in car crashes – you don’t hear anyone shouting about that, do you? Nobody is telling us you’ve got to get rid of autos. Get real, people!

I know it’s sad that about 30,000 of my fellow Americans get shot and die each year, yes I really am grieved by this. But heck, let’s look at the facts.

And very few of those poor people were children. Only about 1,300 kids got shot and died last year, most of those from playing with guns their stupid parents hadn’t locked up properly. Boys are the worst – you’ve gotta teach the damn child how to handle a gun, as early as you can. Otherwise what do you expect? They’re bound to screw up and before you know it – whammo! Their head’s disappeared and you’ve got a horrible mess to clear up, trouble with the cops, paperwork…no end of a fuss. As soon as our own kids could lift a pistol we took them straight down to the local firing range – we picked the most expensive one because we don’t stint – and pretty soon they were firing off caps like Clint Eastwood! They made me so proud, I can tell you.

And another thing. I’m sick and tired of people who don’t know nothing bitching about the NRA – that’s the National Rifle Association for you Brits. I’ve been a member of the NRA for years and I can tell you that there’s no finer bunch of men and women to be found. They all just love kids. Most of ’em will tell you they have got more guns at home than they have chomped hot dogs, just because they are so scared for their children these days. I really don’t care about people saying the NRA spends a lot of dollars on lobbying Washington. Why shouldn’t they, especially when there are so many dumb-arsed fools trying to take away our guns. Besides, it’s so little – just $4 million last year. If you want to talk about lobbying, just check out how much auto makers spend on those fat cats in Washington – $51 million last year. $51 million!

I mentioned the poor children and here’s the reason why America needs more guns, to protect the little children. You gotta admit, America today is a sick society. We are surrounded by sickos. Heck, I live in a great neighborhood and even I feel I’m surrounded by sickos sometimes. Late at night there’s police sirens all the time. I just go in my home and lock all the doors. I don’t feel safe. So I take my Smith & Wessons to bed (my husband says they get more snuggling than he does and given his interest in canoodling who’s fault is that?) and then I feel better. I sleep with my Smith & Wesson under my pillow and I just go right off.

You gotta admit, America today is a sick society. We are surrounded by sickos.

But we are a very sick place right now. There’s drug dealers, gangs, criminals of all kinds, and the cops just can’t cope. You’ve only gotta look at a black man and you get some hotshot lawyer suing you for harassment, the cops are just too scared to do anything. They tell me that young black men last year were nine times more likely to be killed by cops than white men. The facts speak for themselves. Who are the cops gonna shoot? Those people doing crimes, that’s who. The President, God bless him, was right when he said that the sicko who shot all those people down in Texas was just crazy, and that it wasn’t a gun issue at all. The fact that anyone can buy an assault rifle, march into a church and blast away at people at prayer…that’s just crazy. If some of those people in the church had a weapon they might have taken him out before he could have done so much killing.

There’s another thing, which you might not have thought of. All our doctors need practice to get trained well. How are they gonna cope with their first shotgun emergency if all the guns disappeared? You take away the guns and they’re just left wondering what to do when the next case of a gunshot wound is dragged in. It’s crazy. You’re putting our medical services at risk! Think about that the next time you march against the NRA. Then there’s the economy. It costs about $10,000 to pay the last respects to someone in the US today. With 30,000 dead from guns each year, that’s a $300 million business! Are you really gonna tell me that funeral parlors all over this country are just gonna happily kiss that moolah goodbye?! I don’t think so! That’s not even considering what the gun industry is worth to this country – more than $30 billion!

Just like me, all of my friends are very concerned about terrorism. I don’t need to mention 9/11, I hope. We live with the memory of that every day. The terrorists are just waiting to flood into our country and I for one am gonna be ready for it. I know that only 24 Americans died at the hands of terrorists in 2005-2015, but that really ain’t the point. They’re there…waiting…and we’ve gotta be ready. Sure, I know there’s a greater chance of dying by choking on some ribs than getting blown away by foreign terrorists – last time I checked the odds were 1 chance in 3,409 for choking to death against 1 in 45,808 for terrorism – but that ain’t the point. We’ve got to be vigilant for when the onslaught comes, because sure as anything the cops will have too much to do when the terrorists are crossing our borders in their millions.

Call me paranoid if you like, but I know I speak for millions of good, wholesome, God-fearing fellow Americans. Keep your guns. Get more guns. Guns are good. Guns are the solution to all our problems. We have the right to shoot anyone who threatens our way of life, who threatens our families so help me God – who I like to think carries his own semi-automatic, ready to strike down the Devil if he pops his ugly ole head up.

Thanks for reading, get in some target practice, and have a great day!